Private I
by Kount Xero
Summary: Selphie's lucky socks have disappeared, stolen even! As everyone tries not to panic, Detective Kinneas, the man of small crimes, arrives in the nick of time. He will be bringing justice and disorder to Balamb, all in attempt to crack the case of the lost socks!R&HoL&R(Read&Hate Or Love it&Review) PLEASE! (now proofread and polished and everything.)
1. The Beginning Of The Case

**"Private I"**

_Author's Note: I don't own anything. This is my first and only attempt at a humerous fanfic, ever, and was written quite a long time ago, back when I had just discovered this thing called fanfiction. What you're about to read is a proofread version, the original of which was abysmal in its grammar, spelling and general sentence structures. Oh, and also, what you're about to read may be very silly. Very, very silly. Maybe. Just maybe._

**Day One  
The Beginning Of The Case**

_Tape #1, Day 1, Case 1_

As luck would have it, one night, Balamb Garden shook with with a scream that blew out everyone's eardrums. The scream remained unidentified, until the pack of wild heroes who were formerly known as Squall, Rinoa, Quistis and Zell heard the scream.

They identified it to be the scream of Selphie Tilmitt. A scream that rocked their eardrums as if they were drum kits of Limp Bizkit's standart concert equipment!

"**MY LUCKY SOCKS!**" Selphie screamed.

Selphie's door was then kicked open and led inside a thing that looked like a huge pile of people, absorbed into oblivion into a systemical anomaly that crushed down THE SYSTEM!

"What?" Selphie managed to ask as the pile shook and humans emerged from it. What Selphie saw was even more shocking.

It was Rinoa without a bra and shoes, Squall with his pants down and his mid-riff furry jacket half-on (and no t-shirt), Zell without anything on top of his boxer shorts, and Quistis with the top of her dress zipped right off.

After a moment of confusion, everyone saw that Selphie didn't have her socks on.

"What the hell was that!?" Zell asked.

"My lucky socks are-"Selphie started,

"Zell, zip this dress up!" Quistis yelled.

"Zip it up yourself!" Zell replied, casually.

"Rinoa, let me go!" Squall said, as he was trying to pull his pants back on.

"Oh come on, Squall! Don't be suck a jerk!"

"I'm not- a jerk!?"

"MY SOCKS!"Selphie screamed

"THE ZIPPER, YOU MORON!"Quistis yelled,

"UP YOUR NOSE!" Zell shouted.

"A JERK!?" Squall shouted.

"SOCKS-"

"ZIPPER-"

"FUC-"

"A JERK!?"

"Have no fear." Came a familiar voice from the door, "Kinneas is here."

The awkward pile of piteous... I mean, humans, turned to the door to see Irvine Kinneas wearing his regular clothes, standing there. What was out of the ordinary was the pipe casually held in his hand.

Irvine inhaled from the pipe, getting his cooooolmaaaaaan attitude on. He then looked at them.

"Detective Kinneas is here to help you, ladies and gentlemen. Now, what is the case?"

"A JERK!?"

"Jerk? Jerk as in a verb, or an adjective?" Irvine asked, curiously.

No answer came, because nobody had heard the question.

"I need some briefing, if you can, please." Irvine said.

And that pulled the trigger.

"My socks have disappeared-"

"This dress needs to be zipped up-"

"Can't reach out to grab my-"

"A jerk!?"

"You see, Squall and I were making out when-"

"I looked everywhere, I mean, they can't-"

"Cause I look stupid the way this dress-"

"My pants! My pants! My kingdom for my pants!"

"A JERK!?"

"That girl walked straight in-"

"A JERK!?"

"Calm down." Idio- I mean, Irvine told them, still keeping on his suave mask. He inhaled another cloud of smoke.

" , what happened?" Irvine asked, while taking out a recorder.

"My lucky socks have disappeared!" Selphie shouted.

Irvine pressed on the red button labelled as "Nuclear Miss-", I mean, "Record".

"_Day One, Tape One, Case One, Underwear One._" Irvine said.

"My lucky socks are gone! I think someone might've stolen them!" Selphie said.

"Any suspicions?"

"You know, Zell did tell me they looked nice on-"

"A JERK!?"Squall asked.

"I want." Irvine said, "Everyone in this room but this 'Zell' person out."

As Squall got his pants, Selphie got her regular socks, Quistis gathered her dress together, Rinoa didn't get anything, Irvine pointed to the door with his pipe.

The pile of stupid beings that was- I mean, our heroes got out and the door slammed shut behind them.

"I can't believe he just did that." Squall exclaimed to Rinoa.

"Squall, I can't believe many things," Rinoa said, "And all of them are about you. Now get your pants and let's go."

They walked on to their everyday lives.

* * *

Irvine inhaled smoke from his pipe as Zell, with only his boxer shorts on, stood there. He then shot him a look of a falcon... No wait, there are no falcons in their world. Let's name it a Cockatrice then.

"So," Irvine said, "Where were you at the night in question?"

"We _are_ in the night in question, genious!"

"I know." Irvine said, shooting Zell that look again.

Irvine inhaled another breath.

"So do you seem to have strange interests such as Selphie's lucky socks on your large, size 14 feet!?"

"The socks just looked cool, that's just about i-"

"A-HA!" Irvine screamed, "I KNEW IT! YOU _ARE_ THE THIEF!"

"Hold on, Sherlock." Zell said, "I just liked the socks, that's it! I wasn't planning to put them on or anything sick, got that?"

"So you deny that you have been seen with one of Selphie's thongs?"

"Hey, how can you know it?"

"A-HA!" Irvine screamed, "This was a trick question. I didn't."

"Oh, man!" Zell exclaimed as he held his head with both hands, thinking about what his would become of his street cred.

"_Day One, Case One, Tape One, Thong One_." Irvine said to the recorder.

"_My interrogation of Zell Dincht has been a tricky one. He might be an evil genious, able to plot the elaborate thieving of Selphie's lucky socks. On a further footnote, he was seen with her thongs. He may be the prime suspect_."

"Well," Irvine said, "I will be seeing you, again."

He then got out of the room, still inhaling his pipe. He left a really angry chicken-wuss, I mean, Zell behind.

But chicken-wusses, I mean, people like Zell wu- ZELL, was swearing revenge after the thing with the thong inevitably surfaced.


	2. The Lone Wolf in Question

**"Private I"**

**Day Two**  
**The Lone Wolf in Question**

_Tape#1:The Paradox Of Lost Socks_  
_Day:2, Case:1, Irritated Enemies:1_

The morning came bitter for Selphie, who still hadn't gotten over the shock of her lost socks. She missed them. To see the cute lil chicobo glaring back at her eyes gave her joy. And now, someone had taken that joy away.

But thanks to that over-rated Sherlock Holm... Irvine, I mean, Selphie knew her lost socks would be found, and that justice would be served to those who had their lives for the blindness of the storms that went over us like SWARMING LIKE LOCUSTS! AAAAAA!

Phew, after the author has calmed down, Irvine got his pipe, his tape recorder and went out to the breeze of Balamb Garden.

"Record. Day Two, Case One, Tape One, Pipe Two. I, as Irvine Kinneas, the great detective, am working on the lost socks of Selphie. Let's name it. 'The Paradox Of Lost Socks'. Nice."

And as that idi-Irvine, agreed that was a good title, which was corny as hell, he shot out another Cockatrice look to the Balamb Garden.

The look screamed, "Who's your daddy? Yeah, wait! Not Keanu Reeves! Me!"

Irvine went out of his room and to the sun while cursing his ridiculous trenchcoat's furriness. He was searching for new victim- witnesses! I meant witnesses! He spotted a group of Triple Triad groupies. They were also Trepies. So they were Trepe Groupies, was Irvine's understanding.

He went over to them and got out his little revolver.

"Hey you there! FREEZE!" he said as he lunged at them. The poor groupies were scared, naturally, and they jumped up screaming "Yikes!" and a pair of socks came down from one of the players' hands.

"A-HA!" Irvine screamed with a triumphant smile, "I knew it! CAUGHT IN THE ACT!" He smiled, pointing the revolver at his head.

"I swear it-" the poor cadet began as Irvine pressed the barrel harder against his forehead,

"CONFESS IT!"

"What's going on there!?" came Squall's voice.

The lone wolf jumped into the scene with the agility of a lone wolf, the stupidity of a lone wolf, the everything of a lone wolf.

As Irvine let go of the cadet, he whispered, "Watch your back from now on, sucker."

"Irvine, what's going on here?" Squall asked.

"_Day Two, Tape One, Failed Investigation Two._" Irvine said to his recorder. He then turned to Squall.

" , can you tell me where you were at the night in question?" he asked.

"Not in Selphie's room!"

"A-HA!" Irvine shouted, "So you knew where Selphie's room was, didn't you?"

"Look, Irvine, cut the crap or I-"

"Answer the question."

"I got authority on you." Squall said with a sadistical grin.

"Not anymore." Irvine smiled.

"What?" Squall asked.

Irvine took out a piece of crumbled paper and shoved it into Squall's eye(ouch!).

"What?" Squall read, "_I, Headmaster Cid Kramer, Order Of Merlin, First Class, hereby, give Irvine Kinneas the right to interrogate every cadet or SeeD known to the Balamb Garden authorities, as per his investigation of Selphie Tilmitt's Lost Socks._"

"So." Irvine said, inhaling yet again from his Hynedamnable pipe.

"Whatever." Squall replied.

"_Squall Leonhart is giving me tricky answers as if I was asking rhetorical questions to him. This is strange indeed_."

Irvine took a drag from his pipe(OVER WITH THE PIPE!)

"So , do you have such claims as Selphie's lucky socks representing a sub-conscious object you might've had due to your traumatized childhood and the stupid bouts of imagination your idiot brain might've had, ergo, leading to an escalating probability of disaster itself!?"

Squall's jaw dropped.

"_No reply_." Irvine said to his lover, that is, his recorder clutched in his lover, I mean, hand.

"May-maybe." Squall replied, with an irritated and confused look on his face.

"A-HA!" Irvine screamed, poking Squall in the eye with the pipe.

"A-HA what?" Squall said, one hand pressed against his eye, "I didn't say anything! I was just saying that I didn't know where Selphie's socks were."

"But you said-"

"I only said maybe to all those things you said."

"You didn't say what I wanted you to say!" Irvine said, disappointment in his voice.

"If I said what you wanted me to say, then I would've said what you wanted and expected me to say, and saying that would be like putting you to a-"

"Do me a favor. Don't say anything." Irvine said, as he inhaled a breath of smoke.

"'_Paradox Of The Lost Socks' Day 2, Tape 1, Rhetorical Answer 1._" Irvine said to the recorder, and he went on:

"_My investigation with went not as it was planned. I know he's hiding something behind that sinister smile of his. I know his smile hides the socks of Selphie, which, with a little amount of doubt rests in his closet."_

"Squall, is it true that you're a Lone Wolf?"

"Yes." Squall said, taking a step back.

"And that you are a good commander?" Irvine said, taking a step forward.

"Yes..." Squall replied...

"And that you have access to every room in this Garden, any time of the day?"

"Yes."

"**A-HA!**" Irvine almost screamed, pointing at him, "THERE IT IS! YOUR CONFESSION!"

"I just said I could go into any place!" Squall said.

"THAT MEANS YOU HAVE STOLEN HER SOCKS! YOU SICK WOLFIE!"

"OH, SHUT UP ALREADY!" Squall snapped, "I'm not-"

Irvine took out his revolver and put it to Squall's forehead.

"Confess it!"

"Get out of here you moron!" Squall shouted, "And put that thing away before you actually shoot someone!"

Irvine slipped the gun back to it's holster and then shot Squall a Cockatrice look.

"This isn't over yet." He said.

As Irvine went over to the cafeteria to hit on some girls, Squall was left behind, with plans of revenge already forming in his mind.


	3. The Graveyard Shift

**"Private I"**

**Day Three**  
**The Graveyard Shift**

_'Paradox Of The Lost Socks'_

_Tape#2, Case 1, Day 3, Irritated Enemies:2 _

_Friends To Accuse Left:4._

It was night in Balamb Garden. Even though the title of the current chapter read 'day.' It's just another paradox, 'cause in fact, when we're having the summer here in the north, the poor people in the southern half of our global stupidity are in the middle of harsh, harsh winter.

Irvine Kinneas, the bravest detective in all of recorded stupidity, was walking the corridors, violating the curfew, and searching for a subject to accuse.

"'_Paradox Of The Lost Socks' Day Three, Case 1, Girlies Conquered:-1. I always thought about this detective thing as Sherlock Holmes, Philip Marlowe, or Dick Tracy comics that Zell lent to me last week. But have no fear! Detective Kinneas will solve this mystery of Selphie Tilmitt's lost socks, eventhough there are no clues. It shouldn't be that hard if a bunch of snappy-dressed comic heroes can make it! I, as a pixel-drenched game hero, can do it easily!_"

As Irvine Kinneas walked on, he heard a strange sound, that of something brushing against another thing, accompanied by someone mutterring a curse. He got out his revolver, fresh and new, like a fish that Irvine was idiot enough to eat raw!

He worked his way to the corner, yeah, work it baby... I mean, er, as his shadow drew on the face of a total idiot on the wall, he got his gun ready.

"GOTCHA!" Irvine screamed as he opened up his legs and pointed the gun at the pile of doubled human flesh.

A scream came out of the pile and a man, semi-naked in his half-on SeeD uniform, got up and started to run away from Irvine. Irvine pulled the trigger and hit the poor, unsuspecting cadet right on the back of his neck. As the cadet fell, Quistis' high-heeled boots swung upwards and hit Irvine's crotch real hard... He had been an idiot to stand like that.

As Irvine clutched the most vital one of all his organs, he fell down. Quistis was busy trying to zip up her dress.

"'_Paradox Of The Lost-nnng!- Socks'! Day –ouch!- Three, Need for Ice is crucial... And umm... It's about 2:00. I think I'm losing blood, my pants are all wet! Hmm... Maybe I shouldn't mess with it. Someone just attacked Quistis Trepe and I, -oowww- as the he-ouch!-hero of this fanfiction, saved her. I think 'they' know that she is-_"

"GREAT HYNE IN HEAVEN, HELP!" Quistis screamed, as she saw the brains of her lover, splattered across the flower. She had been making out with him right before Irvine had clumsily jumped into the scene with his stupid revolver.

"_She's in shock... She thinks the enemy is her boyfriend. They know that she knows that they know what she knows which is the location of Selphie's Lost Socks! I must protect her, at all cost! Because she knows!_"

Irvine didn't see the little pea-shooter poking out from the corner. He had barely managed to get up when Quistis tripped him, and he fell down. An arrow shot right out of the pea-shooter, and missed Irvine. The arrow was stuck in the neck vein of an assassin, crouching stealthily on the back seat of the loveseat. 'Cause there was a loveseat. No, really.

"I'm here to, ow, save you, Quistis!" Irvine said.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU MORON!"

"What? Look, I just save your tight butt there!"

"SAVED!? YOU BLASTED ME OPEN!"

"HOW IS THAT!?" Irvine managed to find his balance, "I just saved you from that man! I saw it, he was strangling you-"

"Strangling me!? He was my boyfriend, Hynedammit!" Quistis shouted.

"_Recap, five minutes from the crucial need for ice, still on. Quistis stated that assassin was her boyfriend. She is shocked too much of the-_"

"I'M NOT SHOCKED!"

"Gee, Quistis, chill! Anyways, if you're not shocked, then-" Irvine pulled himself together again and got his pipe back, " , where were you in the night in question?"

"I was here, of course, my usual meeting spot with my boyfriend."

"And nowhere near Selphie's room?" Irvine asked.

"No." Quistis replied, irritably.

"You sure?"

"Yes." Quistis' irritation was rising quickly.

"Absolutely sure?"

"ABSOLUTELY SURE, BEYOND ANY REASONABLE OR UNREASONABLE DOUBT!"

"'_Paradox Of Lost Socks' Tape#2, Case 1, Failed Interrogation 3. Quistis says she's innocent, but I, Irvine Kinneas have heard that way too many times... She might be the major suspect, not Zell Dincht- ow! Need for Ice TRULY crucial._"

"Irvine Kinneas, you're dead!" Quistis said as Irvine wandered off, limping and mutterring something under his breath that sounded like: 'Damn, hate them sadistic, sexist authors who write such fanfics', but it could've been, "Damn, hate them stupid sexist faults that make me fight into kicks.", no one could know.

"Damn!" Quistis exclaimed. She was in a bad situation, her boyfriend was dead, and that moron Irvine was the only one to blame.

There was one way for her. Revenge.

* * *

"A-HA!" Irvine screamed at Xu and Nida, who had been standing on the corner of the corridor.

"Wh-what?" Xu jumped up as Nida hid something behind his back.

"What are you hiding behind your back?" Irvine asked to Nida.

"N-nothing." Nida stuttered.

"I saw it, show me!" Irvine said, eagerly taking out his revolver.

Nida shot an apologetic look at Xu and shower Irvine...

...A pair of socks.

Irvine triumphantly pulled out his recorder.

"'_Paradox Of The Lost Socks' Tape Something, Case One, Day Three, no scratch that, night three. Nida and Xu were found with socks in their hands! So they might be the lovers-in-crime! Selphie's socks may have been liked by Xu, which may have led Nida to steal them!_"

"Now look, it's her birthday," Nida started to clumsily explain, "And I couldn't find what to give to her so I decided to make it... Socks cause these-"

"A-HA!" Irvine screamed, "YOU STOLE THEM! I KNEW IT! **I KNEW IT!**"

"Let me deal with this!" Xu said, raising her foot to give Irvine a nice kick on the face.

Irvine bent down. An arrow coming from the pea-shooter got stuck in Xu's neck vein. She stumbled, lost her balance and her pretty, pretty corpse fell into the fountain. In the interim, Irvine had already hit the can.

"Xu!?" Nida asked, looking around and not seeing Xu, "She must've been so depressed..." Nida shrugged and went on his way, with Xu's socks.

The figure in the shadows muttered a curse as he put away his pea-shooter.


	4. An Angel And A Black Glove

**"Private I"**

**Day Four**  
**An Angel And A Black Glove**

_"Paradox Of The Lost Socks"_

_Tape #3, Case 1, Day Four, Irritated Enemies:4 or 5, the exact number is yet to be determined._

Irvine Kinneas grabbed his recorder as he shot his stupid Cockatrice look at the Balamb Garden. A new day meant new people to victimize- I mean, interrogate.

He inserted the third tape.

"'_Paradox Of The Lost Socks' Day Four, Case 1, Failed Interrogation:5, girlies conquered:-3, the situation isn't too bright. Today, I will interrogate Rinoa Heartilly, the only remaining suspect apart from myself, and mama didn't raise no suspect. Wait... I don't have a mama. Well, technically I do, but - oh never mind, whatever._"

He started to walk around the hallways, witnessing everyone was duck in cover as he stepped on by. Nobody wanted to be shot dead or interrogated at gunpoint. As Irvine passed through the Cafeteria, a few students threw themselves aside and onto the football jock's desks, risking a nice, relaxing beat-down.

They all knew, being interrogated by the lunatic Kinneas would be so much worse than a few broken bones!

Irvine walked along, and chaos was spontaneously erupting around him. Everyone was flying every which way, a gremlin was beating up a chicobo over the head with a high-heel shoe, Squall was flirting with Quistis, Zell was screaming, Selphie was calmly requesting a hot dog.

But we had no fear, for Detective Kinneas was here!

* * *

Irvine looked around for Rino and found her at her regular table. He approached Rinoa, who was sitting there just like a slu- I mean, angel, and got out his dumbsti- I mean, recorder.

"Ms. Rinoa, you do have time to answer some questions, don't you?" Irvine asked.

"I actually don't." Rinoa replied, wisely, knowing full well that idi-Irvine was a world-class accuser.

"A-HA!" Irvine screamed, as Rinoa jumped up and actually fell off the chair, "If you're refusing to be questioned, then you must be the thief! I'm soooo-"

"-Stupid." Rinoa replied, as she got back up and massaged her hurt head.

"You dare to mock the investigato-" Irvine asked right before the chicobo zipped right past them! And the gremlin was on it's tail!

"Let's have a drink when this place has calmed down a little and you interrogate me then, okay?" Rinoa asked as Zell went past them, hot on the trail of the gremlin and the chicobo.

"Sure." Irvine said as he turned his back on the chaos. The gremlin had found Squall's gunblade and was about to kill the Chicobo when Squall managed free himself of Selphie's grip, and she let him go, giving oup on trying to pick his eye out with a dull knife. Mature rating here, RUN FOR THE HILLS AND TAKE YOUR CHILDREN WITH YOU!

"'_Paradox Of The Lost Socks' Tape I don't care which, Case 1, Day Four, Girlies Bout To Be Conquered:1. I think my luck on this detectivity thing is improving enough to let me take someone into my bed! Ha! Anyways, can't let everything distract me, because I need to think! So Rinoa must know something!_"

As he got out his pipe, a black gloved figure pointed the pea-shooter out of a corner and at Irvine. Irvine was trying to get his lighter as Jenna Jameson... I mean, Gianna Michae- ZELL'S GIRLFRIEND, walked by the scene. Irvine dropped the lighter and bent down to get it as the pea-shooter spat out a bolt. Like in the Matrix, the bolt tore through the air in slow-motion, CGI ripples and all, and missed Irvine to meet the bazoom of... I mean, the neck of Jenna James- ZELL'S GIRLFRIEND FOR HYNE'S SAKE!

The bolt got buried into her neck and she stumbled, her body falling over and out of sight. Irvine rose up again, clueless as if he was The Man Who Knew Too Little. He looked up, all considerade and deep, and said "Hmm, it's gonna rain."

* * *

After an hour cleaning his di- I mean, his pipe, Irvine returned to the Cafeteria, noting that this was vaguely like the whole returning to the scene of the crime thing. He saw Squall there, with black gloves and a little pipe that looked just like the pea-shooter. Squall gave Irvine a SeeD salute, and hid the pipe bomb he had saved for later behind hm.

Irvine found the Cafeteria clean and neat, and full of people eating and drinking. Rumours about the gremlin is none of our business, that's not what's important right now. Irvine saw Rinoa sitting right next to a column, two tables from her regular one. He went over there and sat right across the table her, inhaling the smoke so cooly that you could die from all the suave image he had on him.

"'_Pradox Of The Lost Socks' Tape #4, Case 1, Day Four, Interrogation: 5. Rinoa Heartilly's interrogation._"

Rinoa ordered two glassess of non-alcoholic cocktails, because alcoholic cocktails would be harmful to the little children reading this fic- I mean, drinking it. Drink responsibly, kids, er, I mean, don't drink. Drink bad! BEER BAD!

"So, Ms. Rinoa," Irvine said, inhaling smoke from his pipe, all lazy and kewl, "Where were you when the theft took place?"

"I was with Squall."

"Squall Leonhart?"

"Yes."

"A-HA! Lovers-in-crime, like Nida and Xu, huh!?" Irvine leapt right into the conclusion

"No!" Rinoa said, "Their situation was far better than ours! Nobody walked into _their_ scene when they were making out!"

"_**MAKING OUT WITH SQUALL LEONHART!?**_" Irvine screamed and suddenly the whole Cafeteria fell more silent than a graveyard.

"Irvine, shut up!"

"I KNEW IT! YOU TWO WERE LIKE A COUPLE OF SWANS ON THIS LAKE PARTYING OVER THE LOST SOCKS! I KNEW IT! YOU HAD ABOUT TEN PEOPLE IN THE ROOM! IT WAS A PARTY! IT WAS A PARTY, I KNEW IT! HA-HA! YOU'LL BE CAUGHT!"

He got out his recorder, and said, "_'Paradox Of The Lost Socks' Tape #4, Case 1, Day Four, Interrogation don't care which. Rinoa Heartilly just got herselt in the prime suspects list. She knows something. A-HA! I KNOW IT! SHE KNOWS SQUALL HAS STOLEN THEM! IT MAKES SENSE! I'M A GENIOUS!_"

As he was saying this, a black gloved hand dropped angodly amount of cyanide into Irvine's cocktail glass. Irvine didn't see it because he was too busy fishing out a sugar cube to add to that glucose-overkill cocktail... Rinoa didn't notice anything because of a little itch on her left leg that just had to be scratched, and violently.

"So, Rinoa, you really don't know anything?"

"I only know Selphie liked those socks too much-"

"A-HA!" Irvine said, "So you KNEW it would harm her!"

"Irvine, calm down." Rinoa said, muttering to herself 'this guy is spending too much time reading comics'.

"Okay, so what do you know about those socks, pretty?"

"I only know that Selphie liked them a lot."

"That's it!?" Irvine said, a little disappointed. I don't know what he was expecting, anyway!

"Sure." Rinoa said.

"_To hell with the title of this case! I'm tired. Nobody has the answer!? Who stole those socks!? Who could!? After all, I must solve this case, 'cause I can't let Cid down! He gave me the job after all._"

And at that point, Nida, who just so happened to be passing by, saw Irvine's cocktail and decided to avenge his ruined gift-giving occasion. He grabbed hold of Irvine's cocktail glass, and triumphantly announced, "Irvine, got your cocktail!" He then gulped the whole thing down.

Irvine bid Rinoa goodbye, got his pipe, promised her that this wasn't over, and left. Meanwhile, aside Nida went down, choking. As he was dying, the figure with the black gloves snarled another curse. This was getting ridiculous.

* * *

_Author's Note: You know, looking back at this thing, written in 2004, it's interesting for me to see the subtlest, most subliminal of Irvine / Rinoa tendencies there. No wonder I wrote a whole 'epic' (termed so due to the length) that had one of its main roots in Irvine and Rinoa getting together._


	5. Resident Evil:Selphisis

**"Private I"**

**Day Five**  
**Resident Evil: Selphisis**

_"Paradox Of The Lost Socks"_

_Tape #568923246, Case 1, Day Five, Irritated Enemies:Escalating, Girlies Conquered:-45665658136, Failed Interrogations: Infinite_

Irvine Kinneas was circling. There was a billboard on his wall, and on it, were the clues he found about the lost socks. After doing a C.S.I., and that is Crime Scene Investigation you ignorant lot, he had found no sign of the lost socks and had had to settle on the chalk outline of Selphie's regular socks, the little furball she had, and the thong Zell had taken from her.

Irvine looked up to the sky as if he was asking help from Hyne, who was too busy laughing at him.

"How can I solve this case!?" Irvine asked to himself, as he played the records he had of the "possible suspects."

"_My interrogation of Zell Dincht has been a tricky one. He might be an evil genius, able to plot the elaborate thieving of Selphie's lucky socks. On a further footnote, he was seen with her thongs. He may be the prime suspect_.

_My investigation with went not as it was planned. I know he's hiding something behind that sinister smile of his. I know his smile hides the socks of Selphie, which, with a little amount of doubt rests in his closet._

_Quistis says she's innocent, but I, Irvine Kinneas have heard this way too many times... She might be the prime suspect, not Zell Dincht- ow! Need for Ice TRULY crucial!_

Yeah... Hey , you're great... What's that cutie? Selphie? At my door with the- OH MY GOD! I gotta hide these Playboy and Hustlers! SELPHIE WAIT! My pants! Can't get my-NO! DON'T COME IN!

'_Paradox Of The Lost Socks' Tape Something, Case One, Day Three, no scratch that, night three. Nida and Xu were found with socks in their hands! So they might be the lovers-in-crime! Selphie's socks may have been liked by Xu, which may have led Nida to steal them!_

'_Paradox Of The Lost Socks' Day Four, Case 1, Failed Interrogation:5, girlies conquered:-3, the situation isn't too bright. Today, I will interrogate Rinoa Heartilly, the only remaining suspect apart from myself, and mama didn't raise no suspect... wait, I don't have a mama. Well, technically, I should but - never mind, whatever._

_'Paradox Of The Lost Socks' Tape #4, Case 1, Day Four, Interrogation don't care which. Rinoa Heartilly just got herself in the prime suspects list. She knows something. A-HA! I KNOW IT! SHE KNOWS SQUALL HAS STOLEN THEM! IT MAKES SENSE! I'M A GENIOUS!_

SELPHIE, DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"How can I solve this!?" Irvine asked again, as if someone was answering it anyway, "Everyone's the prime suspect! I didn't do it! And Selphie couldn'tve stolen her own socks, it's hers anyway!"

He kept circling his small room, desperate in search for answers. It was also about time this idiot realised he couldn't get anywhere by accusing everyone.

"I wonder if Selphie could... Did she have insurance on her lucky socks? Sock insurance? So she might've stolen them, to get the insurance money! Yess! I must check her out!"

Irvine got his furry trenchcoat and headed for the door. He was halfway out of his room when the phone rang. He went over to the phone and picked it up.

"Detective Kinneas."

"_Irvine? It's me, Cid. I'm taking you off the case. Youre suspended._"

Irvine couldn't believe that this cliché was happenning to him!

"Thank you, sir!"

"_You mad?_"

"No sir! Don't you know, a detective can only solve a clueless case when he is suspended! Thank you! Thank you!"

"_Kinneas, I'm sick of the chaos you brought into my Garden! You're suspended, that's it! I don't want to see your face in this case again!_"

"Thank you so much, sir!" he hung up and ran out of his room. When he shut the door, a bomb exploded inside and turned the room into my closet. Irvine didn't even notice it. He took his pipe and stroke a victory pose to the cameras, hey wait a second, what cameras!?

As Irvine started to make his way to Selphie's dorm, to the crime scene, he knew this case would be solved. He had wanted to be a detective ever since Zell had lent him his Dick Tracy comics and Sherlock Holmes DVDs. He knew he had to be suspended from the case first, and then return to the crime scene in order to solve a clueless case where _everyone_ was the prime subject, including Detective Kinneas.

As Irvine went past three female cadets who were having a conversation, by pure luck, he came across these words: "Damn. This sucks!"

"A-HA!" Irvine screamed, taking out his revolver and grabbing one of the girls by the arm. He put the barrel to her head. But he didn't realise the machine gun barrely slowly poking out of the corner, held in black-gloved hands

"What do you know about socks!?" Irvine asked.

"Nothing! I said this sucks, as in, this is terrible!"

"A-HA! You knew I was going to keep you, didn't you!? Yes you did!"

"I so totally didn't! Let me go you maniac!"

Irvine let her go and holstered his revolver, revealing his shiny toy badge meanwhile. He then took out his pipe, lit it and inhaled another cloud of smoke. He was going to head to Selphie's room as the machine gun went off. He slipped and fell on his face, and the machine gun shot all three girls

Detective Kinneas picked up his pipe and went on, unaware of the corpses behind him.

"'_Paradox Of The Lost Socks' Tape 7, Case Still 1, Everything else vary too much. I'm on my way back to the crime scene. I have just been suspended, and that means that I can solve this mystery by myself. Yes, it means that I can solve it. I'm returning to the crime scene now. And then, I will call the gathering, and find it all out!_"

He knocked on Selphie's door. She opened up the door with her regular clothes on, without shoes or socks, of course. Lucky us, Irvine isn't a foot fetishist. Can't say the same thing for _some people_...

"Ms. Selphie..." Irvine said, stepping in while inhaling smoke, "I must question you about the case."

"Sure." Selphie said, shooting a strange look at Irvine.

"Where were you in the night in question?"

"I was here." Selphie replied.

"A-HA!" Irvine let out, "SO YOU ADMIT IT! YOU HAVE STOLEN YOUR OWN SOCKS FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY!"

"Noo!" Selphie said, looking at Irvine like he was the lunatic he was, "I don't know where they are, but they may be stolen!"

"You surely didn't see or hear anything?"

"All I know is that, one moment they're on the bed, and the next, they're gone!"

"A-HA!" Irvine said again. Then, he posed again. He inhaled another cloud of smoke and said, "Okay Ms. Tilmitt. I'm calling a gathering tonight in here, in the crime scene."

As Irvine went out, Selphie thought he had totally gone mad over her catching him with his pants down and with naughty magazines.


	6. The Gathering Cliche

**"Private I"**

**Day Six**  
**The Gathering Cliché**

_"Paradox Of The Lost Socks"_

_Tape #8, Case Still 1, Irritated Enemies: Maximum, Conquered Girlies:- Infinite, The Evidence That Makes Sense:None, Detective's Status:Suspended._

Everyone was eager. Squall was sitting next to Rinoa on Selphie's bed, and Zell was sitting on a chair. Selphie was sitting next to Rinoa and Squall. Quistis was leaning against the wall as Irvine was in the middle, walking around and inhaling the thick smoke of his pipe. After a while he stopped and posed to Quistis and Rinoa one by one.

"I'm sure you're curious why I called you here." Irvine said, with his suave accent. Kinda like Sean Connery.

"We are." Zell said, carelessly.

"It's because, in order to solve this case, I had to get suspended and then, I had to return to the crime scene. Then, I had to gather you together to tell you who did it."

"Hey, that's straight Dick Tracy!" Zell said.

"No." Irvine said, inhaling another cloud of smoke, "That's straight Irvine Kinneas."

He let it sink in. That they rolled their eyes told him that they agreed.

"I know who has stolen the socks." He said. Then, he suddenly turned to Zell and pointed at him, making him jump, "HIM!"

"WHAT!?" Zell asked, in unison with the others.

"YES!" Irvine said, "Zell was seen with Selphie's thongs, and I know that he had a thing for her socks! He stole the socks just to look at them all day long!"

"Hold on, Tracy." Quistis said, "Do you have hard evidence to back that up?"

"But the thongs-"

"Thongs?" Rinoa asked, "What do you mean thongs? Selphie doesn't have thongs!"

"How do you know that?" Squall asked to her.

"Long story." Rinoa replied.

"Okay..." Irvine said, posing again. No matter, he would solve this case tonight for sure.

"That's when I noticed YOU!" He said, turning to Quistis, "You have a secret sock collection! You collect socks from all around the world, and so you thought, why not Selphie's lucky socks? They've been around!"

"I don't have a sock collection! That's Quis Tis's job, not mine. Our names are really alike, but we're not the same person, moron!"

By this time, black gloved fingers were tapping a nervous rhythm on the wall.

"Hmm, okay." Irvine said again. He settled back into the pace of his lazy circling. Then he stopped and turned his gaze towards Squall and Rinoa. He inhaled a cloud of smoke, and smiled.

"And this is the part where _YOU TWO _come in!" Irvine said, pointing at them, his faith in solving this case making a comeback.

"US?" Rinoa asked, "What about us?"

"Where were you when the theft took place? On the very same night Selphie's socks were stolen!?" Irvine asked.

"At the cafeteria..." Rinoa said.

"What were you doing?" Irvine asked.

"Drinking soda..." Rinoa said.

"A-HA!" Irvine said, "And you stopped by the Cafeteria, a place so near Selphie's dorm room, to drink SODA!?"

Squall exploded.

"Rinoa, I can't live with this secret anymore!"

That caught everyone off-guard, even Irvine was surprised. His game plan had been to accuse everyone until he found out who had done it. It wasn't as if he had actually expected someone to confess it.

"What?" Rinoa asked.

"I can't live with this horrible crime!" Squall said, hysterically, "I can't! I'm going to confess it! I'm so sorry!"

"NO! DON'T!" Rinoa said,

"A-HA!" Irvine shouted in victory.

"The soda was orange-flavored!" Squall confessed.

Irvine froze in mid-gesture, as his revolver was pointing at Squall.

"What does _that_ have to do with our case of Selphie's lost lucky socks!?"

"You wanted proof, here it is! Orange flavour is the sign of some evil plan in progress! Freud! Read a fucking book!"Zell stated.

"A-HA!" Irvine exclaimed, knowing, that he had accidently figured it all out, "So Squall has stolen them!"

"WHAT!?" Selphie asked, reaching for the gap between her bed and the wall.

"I didn't say that." Squall said, "I only said the soda was orange-flavored."

"Hey guys, wait a sec!" Selphie said, but nobody heard her.

"ORANGE!?"Quistis asked,

"NO CRIMINAL MASTERMIND DRINKS SODA!" Zell said, "THEY USUALLY DO DRUGS!"

"DRUGS!?" Irvine screamed, "What kind of drugs!?"

"The kind you did as you carried on with this thing, Kinneas." Squall said, smiling.

"Eww, your smile is ugly." Irvine said, as Selphie was almost flying up like Fred Durst did on the video for "Boiler."

"Man this sucks." Zell exclaimed.

"A-HA!" Irvine turned to him, "ANOTHER PARTNER TO THE CRIME!"

"I don't have any lucky socks..." Quistis said.

"A-HA!" Irvine said again, turning to her, "Wait..."

Damn. Irvine felt confused. So many criminals, and this many meant that they would each get like a stitch or two of the lucky socks if they split it even. His head hurt from actually thinking logically, so he tried the next best thing: steamroll over any thoughts that make sense.

"Wait a second, wait a second!" Irvine said, "If you have all stolen the lucky socks... Then Selphie! I GOT IT AT LAST!"

"Got what?" Squall asked.

"GUYS, LISTEN TO ME!" Selphie said, as she struggled with one of her hands in the mistress, I mean, matress.

"Everyone." Irvine said, "I, Detective Kinneas, have solved this case. Selphie made a deal with Zell, Quistis, Squall and Irvine to make them steal the socks, so she could get the insurance money for the socks. And YOU, you pile of trecherous mortals, you wastes of oxygen, TIME-SPACE AND FLESH, you agreed with her! Why? To get the insurance money?"

"HEEY!" Selphie screamed.

"I dunno what you're-"

"Fuc-"

"You moron-"

"You motherfu-"

"Bas-"

"_**HEY!**_"Selphie screamed. Everyone turned to her and screamed back:

"**WHAT!?**"

"Guys, I've been trying to tell you in the last five minutes! I found my lucky socks!" she showed a pair of socks she had just retreived from the gap.

"**HUH!?"**

"They weren't stolen!" Selphie said, "It seems I just lost them!"


	7. Da End

**"Private I"**

**Day Six Point Five Six, Something Like It**  
**"Da End"**

_"Paradox Of The Lost Socks"_

_No tape, Case Solved!_

"Hey wait a sec!" Zell said, "If Selphie lost them..."

"...Then nobody has stolen them." Quistis completed.

"And if nobody has stolen them..." Rinoa said,

"...There was no crime." Squall completed.

Everyone exchanged glances.

"Then, we didn't need a detective." Quistis observed.

"And Selphie hadn't gotten them stolen or anything." Zell said.

"And since there was no thief, there was no crime." Rinoa said.

"And if all of these things were true, then no detective was necesarry, am I right?" Squall asked.

"YOU ARE!" all of them replied in unison.

"Then we didn't need Irvine pulling authority on us-" Squall said,

"-Or interrogating us when we only have our boxers on-" Zell said,

"-Or shoot our boyfriend dead-" Quistis said,

"-Or make everyone think we're a slut-" Rinoa said,

"-Or even accuse me." Selphie completed.

They all turned to Irvine.

"Guys... C'mon..." Irvine said, backing away and towards the door as the black gloves disappeared, 'cause the person wearing them knew where Irvine would head next. "You wouldn't get mad at me over such... Little things, would ya?" Irvine asked, truly scared.

Squall stood there in front of his friends and pulled on their leashes like a Dominatrix. He then pointed at Irvine as lightning crashed inside the room and a darkened sky was shown in the background.

"_**GET HIM!**_" Squall screamed.

Irvine dropped his pipe and started to run as the sea of piteou- I mean, angry friends, now enemies, followed him. The waves crashed like Eminem's flows on top of Dr. Dre's beats!

Irvine was running with all he had, and known then, Keanu Reeves was their daddy. Keanu Reeves had always been their daddy.

Irvine managed to get to the Parking Lot, and the pile of humanity was in hot pursuit. Despite that, he knew that he was about to get away from the angry crowd.

Squall spotted a car with the key left in the ignition.

"There's a car! Let's run him over!" Squall said, and jumped in as the others followed him and actually managed to get stuck like a pack of sardines. Squall stomped on the gas pedal to follow the detective on the run.

As they drove away, Headmaster Cid got out from the dark corner, and waved his black-gloved hands, screaming, "STOP!"

Headmaster Cid had been sick to his stomach with Irvine and his stupidity. He had managed to have Squall hire an assassin to bust Irvine in that dark corner where Quistis and her boyfriend had been making out. He had been the one with the pea-shooter and the poison. He had gotten Squall make two pipe bombs for Irvine's room and car.

He was the criminal genius. And, there, the author had revealed it all in a few simple sentences.

"**STOP!**" he screamed at the car.

Irvine was running in slow motion.

The car exploded.

Irvine jumped forward.

Just like those action movies, y'know.

"**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!**"Cid screamed as he pulled his remaining hair out.

Irvine stopped and looked back at the car.

"Hm." He said, "Maybe someone is behind the bomb in this car? Another case!

Irvine posed against the sunset as wind whipped his trenchcoat. He inhaled a cloud of smoke and exhaled all cool-like. He pulled out his revolver for a victorious pose.

"This is a job for Detective Kinneas!"

**DA END**


End file.
